cross dress? - 8:48 PM
i finally found something that i lost a few days ago. speech.
it's only now that i finally realise the importance of speech despite countless experiences of losing my voice. now that my job requires the ability of speech. i've been whispering/croaking through my last 3 lessons. also given all the free time, my brain seems to be entertaining the most absurb thoughts. like i was actually thinking, what if i never ever regain my voice? i can't go ahead to study medicine coz how the hell am i suposed to communicate with my patients? i can't change course now coz i've already rejected the rest and applications are closed. will i just be a scientist in a lab doing experiments and drafting reports? it was such a scary thought.
i received my letter of confirmation from UCAS today. sometimes i feel i'm not a very understanding daughter. like i should have tried harder for NUS instead of making my parents drain their banks for my education, leaving none for retirement. like maybe i thought going overseas was an entitlement since Sis got to go so why not? my parents are very supportive and never once told me not to go overseas. yet i can't help but feel this way.
den i start thinking, i have to work hard so as not to disappoint them. and i start having all those horrible thoughts how i would be lost during lectures and not understanding and not being able to cope. sigh
lastly back to work. took over Sec4 Phy lesson today. while waiting for the lesson to start, i jammed the photocopy machine. and i had to make Ray come back just to remove the hidden jammed paper. THAT made me feel like such a loser. the lesson itself was ok, as in i could explain the concepts to them. what was bad was facing a bunch of unmotivated sec4s doodling on their papers refusing to do their work. and its not only this class. my sec 4and 3 Chem and Bio class was the same too. well it is the holiday, and i was voice-less for the classes, but i can't help but think it is my inability that causes this. den i start thinking about how many students have quit since i started and THAT is not an encouraging thought. and den i start thinking i can't seem to lead or take charge well [since the leadership days of sec school] and i start thinking what if i graduate to become a loser doc who sets up a clinic with no business.
so i gather i'm in a low confidence mood
ok, lets get out of this horrible mood! let's talk about my 7/11 experience with that voice of mine yesterday.
i went to 7/11 to buy a drink. so the convo went like this.
cashier [who is busy with the register and not looking at me]: do you want a carrier?
me [with hoarse deep voice]: no
cashier: [jerks head up adruptly and gives me and shoots me an UBER WEIRD look]
so i was thinking what was that about. and while walking to the bus stop it struck me. DO I LOOK LIKE A CROSS-DRESSER TO YOU!?